


Her Expectations

by ColetteIsAPotato



Category: Assassination Classroom
Genre: F/M, Female Shiota Nagisa, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-24
Updated: 2019-09-24
Packaged: 2020-10-27 17:08:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20763917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ColetteIsAPotato/pseuds/ColetteIsAPotato
Summary: "Why can't you be smarter and land a spot in the A Class?""That Asano boy always manages to get the top rank why can't you?""Study harder, you are a shame to this family!"I've always known how cruel this world could be. It was selfish, unjust, and ugly.Everything in my life was horrible, if I couldn't keep up this façade in front of my very few peers I would have been done for.But among all the unfairness in my life it had to be with him. I may have acted nice in front of him, in reality I hated him, no I loathed him with every piece of my being. He was a nice friend at first but I grew to envy him.Why? Why give everything to one person? This wasn't fair. He seemed to have everything. He was smart, he was wealthy, he was handsome, he was everything.But that's not right, why would he be given everything while the unfortunate one's like me have to suffer endlessly?It wasn't right. It just wasn't right.





	Her Expectations

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this a while back, I couldn't write BL back then.
> 
> So, Nagisa became a girl, plus I was on the hype long ago when I found out that they considered making Nagisa a girl. Before scrapping that and making him a guy.
> 
> I still ship him Karma nonetheless, whether he'd be a guy or a girl.
> 
> Though I know realize that I could have just wrote "her/she" at first then change it to "he/his" hahaha, oh well.
> 
> I hope you'll enjoy it!

_"_ _Mother and father don't expect much from me. As long as I manage to pass they won't mind."_

That was what I had once thought during my years in elementary.

It was a time of ignorance and bliss. A time I long to once again feel.

If I had the chance to return to those days I'd trade away everything for a single day, back to that cramped room filled with noisy children.

Where colourful bags seemed to haphazardly litter the floor with its many contents.

In that small abode I'd choose to stay any day. In that room with second-hand toys I'd choose to relive my time.

In that small room, my life was better.

I regret wanting to grow up.

When I had started secondary it went downhill.

That _stupid_ innocence of a child stripped away to face the harsh, cold, bitter reality.

My parents did expect much from me, I just chose to blatantly ignore it.

Those simple words I never managed to catch on, or maybe I just never wanted to acknowledge them.

_"Your cousin in 5th grade was the top of her class, you should _ _ **be more like her** _ _."_

_"My sister's children are all top of their classes, how about you dear _**_when_** _**will you reach their level?**__"_

_"That first cousin of yours won 15 contests for our region, can't you _ _ **be more like him?** _ _"_

I didn't think of them much before. I thought they were meaningless information.

But as I continued to grow they slowly pulled at my strings.

The slimy fingers of my rash fate quickly snaking its way to me, wrapping around me.

Crushing me slowly and entrapping me, incasing me forever in its hold.

Slowly it pulled me down, down deeper than what one would expect. Deeper and deeper that I lacked space.

_It slowly suffocated me._

It grabbed at my skin, hurting me, chocking me, that I couldn't even swim up for air.

I was left struggling, sinking deeper down, until I hit rock bottom.

* * *

"What was _your_ rank?" My mother asked lividly.

I froze, what was I to say?

My breath hitched as I turned around to face her.

She stood with her hands crossed over her chest seemingly impatient at my lack of response.

With shaking hands I tried to straighten my uniform, anything to calm my nerves.

_How was I going to tell her?_

She was certainly going to throw a fit at me if I don't answer but if I did tell her she'd still throw a fit.

Everything I'm about to do will have the same outcome that it wouldn't really matter what I tell her.

_I can't lie._

I could but that would be pointless.

From the way she held herself in fron of me, I knew that she had known my rank even before asking.

She just wants to punish me for it.

"I was..105 of 186..."

She fumes as she walks over to raising a hand to slap me, I immediately flinch but she stops.

"**Stupid**."

I let her words sink into me.

"You are so stupid! Among all people why do you have to be my daughter?" She pulls back her hand and glares at me.

I let it continue to drown me taking my every breath.

"Why can't you be smarter and land a spot in the A Class?" I train my eyes to the ground as she continues.

I let it fill my head, all those painful words slowly latching itself to me.

"That Asano boy always manages to get the top rank why can't _you?"_

I let it slowly kill me from the inside.

"Study harder, _you_ are a shame to this family!" Then she leaves my sight.

I let it hurt me until I'm nothing but a broken doll, an empty void that had its fragments crushed.

No tears fall, I swallow it all in.

_I accept it._

_I am nothing but a failure to them._

_I nothing but a failure to her._

_My mother, whom I've always wanted to impress._

* * *

At school, I play a smile that have managed to fool those who see it.

_No one seeming to notice the shattered mask I had put on._

_No one seeming to see the pain in my eyes._

_No one seeming to hear my screams locked and stuck lodged on my throat._

To them I wasn't a pitiful person, I was a kind, caring, and gentle girl who had made friends with everyone despite their different attitudes.

I was an average girl who seemed to have no problems in her life.

I was someone who had it easy.

_If only that was true._

Well, it might've been if this was primary but it wasn't.

I've always known how cruel this world could be. It was selfish, unjust, and ugly.

Everything in my life was horrible, if I couldn't keep up this façade in fron of my very few peers I would have been done for.

But among all the unfairness in my life it had to be with him.

I may have acted nice in front of him, in reality I hated him, no I loathed him with every piece of my being.

He was a nice friend at first but I grew to envy him.

**First** it was his grades. How he managed to fall asleep in every class and dare to skip out on most of them but still get the top ranks.

**Second** it was his attitude. How he always seemed to say just what he thought and not care about how others would react or think about him.

**Third** it was his behaviour. How he did what he wanted not minding how odd or peculiar they were, no matter how many people gave him disapproving looks.

**Forth** it was his privilege. He could have stayed at the A Class but chose to play around and question authority leaving them no choice but to throw the genius to the E Class, filled with failures like me.

**Fifth**. The one that had always made may blood boil at the thought. The fifth, it was his family. His loving, understanding and accepting family.

I had met them, they accepted him despite his horrible attitude. They loved him despite his incorrigible behaviour. They understood his hate for his privileges.

_Why? Why give everything to one person?_

This wasn't fair.

He seemed to have everything. He was smart, he was wealthy, he was handsome, he was everything.

But that's not right, why would he be given everything while the unfortunate one's like me have to suffer endlessly?

_It wasn't right._

_It just wasn't right._

I hated it so much that it got harder for me to hang around him.

To make it worse, he had considered me his friend.

But I don't want that.

If I could I would distance myself away from him. Away from the things I can never seem to have.

If only I could.

If only but I was yet again unfortunate.

He enjoyed my company, he loved my fake display of kindness, he seemed to bask under it.

How foolish, how stupid, yet how much of a torture to me.

_Of all people me._

The person that hated him the most was the one he seemed to always want to hang around.

I loathed every moment just wishing for him to disappear from my sight.

His voice, his warmth, his everything.

I didn't want him near me.

It was a constant reminder of what I could never be to my mother.

He was everything I could never be.

I abhored such a feeling that I became sickeningly sweet to hide away my frustration.

This only made him want to spend every moment of his time with me!

_The horror! How idiotic!_

Things just keep getting worse and worse!

I wanted to snap but I couldn't, not yet.

* * *

"Hey Nagi." Karma called to me, using that nickname he deemed to use without my consent.

I turned to face him plastering a sweet smile. "Yes, Karma?"

A light blush dusts his cheeks as he smiles back. "Good morning." He greets intertwining his hands in mine.

I loathed him.

I force the words out of my mouth, "Good morning, too."

"So-ugh-um, later after school..." Nervously he starts, "Do you wanna hang out, maybe?"

I am forced to see him all morning till noon for five days in one week.

_And he still wants to spend more time with me?_

I would not even dream of wanting to spend more time with him.

"Hmm, I don't really-"

"I'll see you later after your class duty with Pudding Girl." He pulls his hand away rushing into the classroom.

_I hate him._

* * *

_Mother never loved me as much as she used to._

When she and dad divorced out of their relationship she never really changed much.

It was just that, the _little love_ she held for me disappeared and she demanded more of me.

I wasn't smart enough, so she shunned me away from her elite guests.

The only thing she had left was for me to finish school and marry me off to someone who'd help with her stupid status.

I didn't really care, all she ever wanted was that social life she loved more than me.

I could say my dad's the same.

If he cared _he_ should have taken me from this devil but _he_ abandoned me instead.

He too expected me to be better, _something I couldn't give again._

I didn't have what he wanted.

I didn't have what she wanted.

_I was yet again a failure._

But that stupid, stupid boy.

That damn genius.

Despite my hatred, he looked pass that and held it to something else.

It made me hate him more that I ended up hating myself too.

But I already disliked myself enough.

_In fact, he seemed to just have rubbed it on my face._

* * *

"Nagi." He called me with that ridiculous nickname again.

We were walking home, well I was walking home.

He insisted he wanted to walk me there like always.

"Yes?" I responded not looking at him while twirling my umbrella lightly.

He stops at his steps.

Not feeling his presence beside me I look back. Eying him curiously whilst tilting my head lightly.

His face exploded in crimson that its hues glowed darker than his hair.

In fact because of the rain it started to dampen his hair and clothes.

He lets out a shaky exhale before walking up to me and pulling me forward without making me drop my unbrella.

He crashes his warm lips over mine, one hand on my back to deepen the kiss as the other still held my hand.

I was astonished. His sudden action had stupefied me greatly that in that moment I forgot my deep hatred for him.

I let those silly little petty horrible thoughts of him vanish for that one moment.

I didn't even care if my uniform started to get soaked because of the rain.

He had his eyes closed. And slowly I closed mine doing my best to reciprocate whatever passionate feelings he tried to underlie to me.

When he broke the kiss I let my tears slip.

I didn't wait to hear what he had to say, I turned away from him and swiftly escaped from his view.

_I loathed him so much that..._

_That..._

_That I ended up..._

_I ended up..._

_Mother was right, I'm so stupid_.

* * *

I had ran off to a random direction that I had gotten myself lost.

It took me a few hours before I finally arrived home.

I was half expecting to see him waiting by my door, looking for an explanation while holding my forgotten umbrella.

But he wasn't there, it left me to conclude that he might've been looking for me or he didn't, he just left ignoring me.

I opened the door and I recieve a slap to my face.

It was my mother again.

She was more than furious as she pulled me in.

Grabbing at my hair she throws me down.

Screaming profanities at me as I, _like always_, let them carve deep into my skin.

I held unto every word, every insult she had hurled at me.

I let her hurt me. I let her break me, the little bits that I had always tried to glue back together shattered beyond fixing.

_I felt numb. I didn't know what to think._

And in this moment my hatred for him grew.

He had the perfect little life he could ask for. He had all the wealth that he could buy himself a whole country. He had a brain that could solve all the problems in the world. He had the parents that I wished and longed to have.

_But he wouldn't have it._

He already had everything yet he yearns to have more.

I will not give the the satisfaction of having _me._

_I won't let him have everything._

_Even if it's this one little bit of an emotion he wants, I won't give it to him._

* * *

"What the--!! What happened to you Nagisa?" Koro-Sensei exclaimed as his eyes narrowed with concern when I had arrived in the classroom.

Everyone looked at me worriedly, well except most of Terasaka's group. They looked like they couldn't care less but their stares seemed to tell me otherwise.

I flash a smile and rub the back of my neck nervously as I laughed lightly.

"It was raining yesterday, I had a bit of an accident and toppled over. Thankfully someone saw me fall down and helped me." I lie through my teeth as smooth as possible.

Koro-Sensei didn't seem to believe my words but he gave a mock sigh of relief anyway.

"Be more careful." He reminds me.

"I promise I will."

My classmates seemed to have bought my little fib as I walked over to my sit, wincing slightly as I sat down.

"You have take better care of yourself." Kaede reminds me.

"I promise I was just being clumsy." I reassure her.

Behind me I feel a burning, lingering stare that I forcibly shake off knowing full well who it was.

After class as I was heading home he pulls me aside.

He looked beyond worried, he even looked a bit feverish.

With his right hand he dragged me off and on his left was my umbrella from yesterday.

The answer to his supposed to be confession I had ran away from.

He wanted the answer.

_Such a troublesome boy._

"You're lying." He tells me seriously as he continued to take me off to who knows where.

I stop at my tracks recoiling from his touch, forcing him to stop as well.

"What?" I ask dumbfounded by his single statement.

"Who did this to you?" He asks in a hardened tone, seeming to compel his anger down.

"I don't--"

"I'm not stupid you should know tha--"

"I know--"

"Then tell me who did it to you?!" He snaps pulling the sleeve from my hand and revealing the many bruises I hid beneath my cardigan.

"No one." I snap back, "I fell down and--"

"That's a load of bull because this suggests someone forcibly giving them to you!"

I retract my hand as I quailed before him.

I didn't know how to respond.

_He was no fool._

He was someone who was able to out do Gakushu Asano.

_He wasn't someone to be messed with._

"It's... It's nothing." I answer meekly looking away from him as I held the arm he had inspected.

"What do you mean nothing? This isn't nothing!"

"Why do you even care?" I mumble.

He stops at his words and he moves to wrap me in an embrace.

It's suffocating.

"Because your my friend, my best friend." He whispers soothingly as he stroked my hair.

_Ha. A friend? Never have I once thought of you that way._

"When did we even become freinds? We were never friends." I whisper back to him venomously.

His hand stops, he tightens his embrace lightly as he kisses my hair.

"I know." He answers quietly resuming his actions on my hair.

"I've always hated you from the start." I confess angrily.

"I know."

"I envy everything about you. "

"I know."

"I wish I never met you."

"I know."

"I really, really hate you." My voice cracks.

"I know." He answer again, with that same tone. The same understanding tone.

I stop and inhale a shaky breath before sobbing.

"Then why?" I ask exasperatedly clinging to him as I drowned myself in my tears.

"If you knew it from the start why are you doing this? Why do you have to make me suffer?" I cry.

"Because I _love_ you."

"But I obviously _hate_ you." I reason.

"Then the more that I'd have to change your opinion of me." He answers with a little giggle.

"I hate you. I loathe you. I abhor you. All the synonymous words to that!" He doesn't answer and continues to soothingly stroke my hair.

"Why do you have to be so gifted? It's overwhelming."

"Nagi, who did this to you?" He asks softly, as though if his voice had reached any higher than that I'd break.

"No one."

"Please, tell me."

"I-- I can't tell you."

"You have to tell me, I'm losing my head just guessing the culprit." He pleads.

"...it was my.."

* * *

_I never did impress her_.

She didn't love me anymore than she did not.

But there was that too.

I wasn't letting her drown me into that pit of despair.

_I didn't want her kindness._

_I didn't want to follow what she had to say._

_I did what I wanted._

She didn't do anything.

I wasn't bound to her.

There were some people no matter how hard you try to please, they will never be pleased.

So I gave up on that.

I didn't need to live up to her expectations.

I could do well with my own pace. I wasn't dumb.

But there was some part of, a little piece that even from up close I wouldn't notice, a little piece of me that wished I had somehow pleased her.

But that was non-existent.

And for all shallow and deep reasons I got together with him, despite my never ceasing dislike with what he had.

_He still loved me despite that._

I became more open about my opinions on him, he didn't mind all the hate comments.

He even seems to have fun at each word that left my mouth.

I often ask if he was a masochist for finding joy with that.

He would laugh it off and claim he was a sadist not a masochist.

It wasn't like I didn't believe him, maybe?

But despite all, I think I really did love him.

**Author's Note:**

> There's one thing I can say, I made this with mixed feelings.
> 
> Oh but please leave me comments I love reading them.


End file.
